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I think I have a disease…

a disease of the mind. A sort of Benjamin Buttons of the Brain. 

The older I get the younger I feel.

The more I learn the less I know.

I feel as if every day that comes and goes I get a little dumber and become increasingly farther from a stable future. 

I don’t know what’s up or down or where on Earth every path will take me. I’ve lost motivation and I’ve lost a good chunk of vocabulary and I’ve lost a lot of my creativity and I’ve lost a lot. Maybe that’s what it is. I’m just losing the game right now and I can’t cheat and all I want to do is sleep until I wake up at the finish line. But it’s the journey not the destination blah blah blah. It’s still exhausting and as much joy and as much happiness as I have in me for being alive every day I often wonder if me being chipper is just me trying to ignore the impending decisions that must be made to secure a better future for myself. 

I guess I need to just try harder. Be better. Do better. 

I should start with this paper I’m avoiding.

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Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.
Louise Erdrich, The Painted Drum LP (via rousseaus)

(Source: observando, via mindless-clutter)